Hello, all of my little Movie Monsterites! “Salt” hits theaters this week, and Angelina Jolie is reprising her role as a badass lady spy who uses her sex appeal and big lips to save the world from villains who are easily thwarted by things like sex appeal and big lips.

Now look, Angelina Jolie gets made fun of a lot for adopting all of those babies from Africa or whatever, but I think that’s unfair. She’s a philanthropic person and she should be lauded for it, and not attacked by those vicious talk-show hosts with their evil puns and cruel similes.
Those talk show hosts make me sick. It almost makes me want to go adopt some African babies of my own…so I can give them to Angelina Jolie! Because she loves babies. Especially ones from other countries!

This reminds me of some of the charity work I do. Once a week I volunteer at the SPCA, a center that helps abandoned dogs and cats find new homes. Unfortunately, sometimes they’re unable to find them homes, and that’s where I come in.
They’re able to euthanize the dogs for low-cost and I get a free lunch. Bing, bang, boom.

Needless to say, “Salt” is a kickass movie. My favorite part is when one of the villains accidentally drops Jolie’s character on the ground, then picks her up and throws her over his shoulder to prevent bad luck. Classsic!

Look out

But I’m going to go ahead and keep writing anyway, because this is a movie review for crying out loud! What do you think I am? Some sort of low-rent, self-aggrandizing critic who uses his movie reviews to get out some deep-seated emotional issues about his childhood?
Hell nah! I’m Movie Monster! Now, back to the reason I love watching Tom Cruise punching people in the face…

He’s a badass! What else can I say? Let me give all of you a tip: If you ever see Tom Cruise walking your way, fists a swinging—get the hell out of there. You’ll probably end up in a hospital, need some serious face surgery, and end up like this guy I used to know.

Come to think of it, there’s only one thing I enjoy more than Tom Cruise punching a guy in the face, and that’s Tom Cruise punching a horse in the face:
(Coincidentally, that’s how I tenderize my horse meat when making horse burgers)

Overall this movie is pretty rad. Snack-wise, and you’ll just have to trust me on this one, biscuits and gravy.

Nah, that didn’t happen.  Nobody’s shooting anybody here, it’s just me, my computer, and a glass of warm goat milk.  Freshly squeezed!

Anyway, Jonah Hex hit theaters this weekend and it’s the bomb. Speaking of bombs, this movie is filled with explosions, and I’m not just talking about the ones in my pants when Megan Fox appeared on screen. Hey oh! (I had a stomach virus.)

(You fans know how I feel about the Fox.)

But definitely check this movie out. My one problem with it was that it was a little light on the “hexes,” which, when used properly, can be one of the most bat-shit-nutty pieces of dark magic out there. And you know the Movie Monster loves him some sweet dark magic.  Annnd some nutty bat shit.  Mmmmmmmm….

Speaking of, you can’t go wrong with some Chile Picante Corn Nuts for this flick.

What did you think of the movie?

Yummmm

I’ve been a die-hard fan since the first Toy Story came out in 1995, when I was just a tiny monster. I remember the day after I saw it I asked my dad for a Buzz Lightyear toy, just like the one in the movie. Later that day my dad came home, told me they were out of Buzz Lightyears at the toy store, and dropped a squirrel carcass in my lap. I named him Fuzz Noear, because my dad had eaten his ears on the way home.

That squirrel carcass and I had some pretty kickass times: Tea-parties, playing in the mud, arm-wrestling—you name it. We were as close as a monster and a squirrel carcass could get. Later that same winter food was scarce and we had to eat Fuzz. Everyone got sick and vomited all over the place because he was rotted on the inside, and my dad told me that from then on squirrel-carcass toys were banned from the cave. That was the last time I ever saw my father.

As far as Toy Story 3 goes, I loved it.  It brought tears to my eyes. Nobody knows how to tug at my heart cords until they pop like Pixar.

For snacks I recommend (NOT) eating squirrel carcass nuggets.

Now tell the Movie Monster…what makes you cry?

Now you can share your love of Movie Monster with the rest of the world by boldly becoming a member of the Movie Monster Fan Club! For only $5, you get all sorts of neato stuff FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! In addition to all the fun things you see in this video, we’ve got other surprises in store, so stay tuned!

Everyone who shares my website on their facebook page is in the running to win a Movie Monster Fan Club Membership Pack!!  I know, I can barely believe it either.  So just share my website on your facebook, send me a screenshot at ilovemoviemonster@gmail.com, and I’ll randomly select two winners to receive the coolest thing ever sent by the US postal service. Thanks for being awesome.

You make my horns wobble.

MM

Movie Monster talks about all the movies opening over the weekend of April 9, 2010. Along the way, he gets the hankering for his favorite snack…something that you could find in the head of a dog. Can you guess what it is?

Movie Monster gets wrapped up in Quentin Tarantino’s latest flick, “Inglourious Basterds.” Will he collect all of his Nazi scalps in time or will he fail and totally upset Brad Pitt? Watch and see! Take a quick look in between reading emails, or playing Poker games or whatever it is you are doing. If you’re thinking about watching the film it’s a must, but it’s also a must if you’ve seen it and want to hear someone else’s opinion on it.

Movie Monster reviews Dreamworks’ new 3-D film “How to Train Your Dragon” and offers a stern warning about the perils of dragon ownership.

OMG! Will Jacob prove that he is waaaay cuter than Edward? Or will Edward show off his hot bod and take home Bella’s heart for good?

“New Moon” hits theaters this week and Movie Monster is totally going to spill his guts about it!