Look out

But I’m going to go ahead and keep writing anyway, because this is a movie review for crying out loud! What do you think I am? Some sort of low-rent, self-aggrandizing critic who uses his movie reviews to get out some deep-seated emotional issues about his childhood?
Hell nah! I’m Movie Monster! Now, back to the reason I love watching Tom Cruise punching people in the face…

He’s a badass! What else can I say? Let me give all of you a tip: If you ever see Tom Cruise walking your way, fists a swinging—get the hell out of there. You’ll probably end up in a hospital, need some serious face surgery, and end up like this guy I used to know.

Come to think of it, there’s only one thing I enjoy more than Tom Cruise punching a guy in the face, and that’s Tom Cruise punching a horse in the face:
(Coincidentally, that’s how I tenderize my horse meat when making horse burgers)

Overall this movie is pretty rad. Snack-wise, and you’ll just have to trust me on this one, biscuits and gravy.

Nah, that didn’t happen.  Nobody’s shooting anybody here, it’s just me, my computer, and a glass of warm goat milk.  Freshly squeezed!

Anyway, Jonah Hex hit theaters this weekend and it’s the bomb. Speaking of bombs, this movie is filled with explosions, and I’m not just talking about the ones in my pants when Megan Fox appeared on screen. Hey oh! (I had a stomach virus.)

(You fans know how I feel about the Fox.)

But definitely check this movie out. My one problem with it was that it was a little light on the “hexes,” which, when used properly, can be one of the most bat-shit-nutty pieces of dark magic out there. And you know the Movie Monster loves him some sweet dark magic.  Annnd some nutty bat shit.  Mmmmmmmm….

Speaking of, you can’t go wrong with some Chile Picante Corn Nuts for this flick.

What did you think of the movie?

Yummmm